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The Onion


America's Finest News Source.

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National News Highlights
Swollen Rex Tillerson Spotted Rushing To Place Mouth Over Leaks Spouting In Keystone Pipeline
“I’m seeing all this news lately about women speaking out against these men who acted very inappropriately toward them and the repercussions those same men now face, and I’m honestly scared of what would happen if one day I’m accused publicly by 10 or maybe even more women whom I’ve harassed or assaulted in the past,” said a visibly shaken Trump, adding that the president of the United States was held to a higher standard of conduct and the American people would demand the nation’s leader immediately answer for these disgusting actions, leaving him with absolutely no recourse but to resign from office. “Oh my god, I can’t imagine how bad it would be. The U.S. populace would never stand for something like that. If anything, the country would unite against a serial harasser. I would be raked through the coals for it, shunned forever from public life.” #theonion
Emergency Responders Working To Dislodge Commercial Jet From Thick, Polluted Cloud Over New Delhi
“Sorry if it’s the most obvious thing to ask about, but it’s cool if I suddenly unzip my pants and press my erection against a female intern’s body, right?” asked the congressman, adding that he felt like he knew the answer already, but wanted to confirm, just to be safe, that laying his engorged penis upon the shoulder of an unsuspecting 19-year-old as she took notes in his office constituted “kosher workplace behavior.” “I know pinching her ass when I pass by and coming up from behind her to rub her shoulders is acceptable, but I don’t want to cross a line or anything, especially in this climate. Again, I’m sure it’s fine, but I just thought I’d do my due diligence and run it by you guys.” #theonion
Parents Gently Explain To Son Why Family Dog Had To Be Blown Up With Dynamite
“This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to promote a healthy workplace where women feel protected and ensure our hands are clean when senators or representatives are accused of sexual assault,” said Paul Ryan, noting that the mandatory training sessions would teach legislators how to recognize sexual harassment and provide the tools needed to brush off claims against individual congressmen. “This is a long-overdue step in covering our asses and also making sure the House and Senate are safe places for women to work. Once everyone has completed the training, we’ll be able to confidently claim we’ve done our most basic due diligence as new allegations surface.” #theonion
Did You Know?
“Now, Barack, what if I told you that backstage I had some very familiar faces that you haven’t seen in some time—c’mon, let’s bring them on out!” said host Mario Lopez, as Michelle, Sasha, and Malia Obama stepped onto the set and waved to the live studio audience before walking over to the couch and taking turns politely hugging each other. “We’re so lucky to have everyone back together again! But before we get into what you’ve all been up to since the presidency ended, let’s take a look back at some of our favorite moments from the eight unforgettable years you welcomed America into your home.” #theonion
“Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated local man Ted Hinze, adding that, despite the fact that he’d started hours ago, it didn’t sound as if the worker was even close to finishing. “I mean, it’s nonstop. The guy doesn’t even take a break. He’s already woken up my two kids. I should probably walk over and say something, but you know he’s not gonna stop until he’s good and ready.” #theonion
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“I just kind of figured when I shelled out close to half a billion dollars for the Old Master’s painting that the frame would be included,” said the anonymous buyer, admitting that the gold-stenciled frame that displayed the Renaissance painting at least partially accounted for the record-breaking bid. “When I decided to purchase the painting, it seemed obvious that I’d be getting the complete package. But after the auction, they just handed me this painted wood panel with nothing around it. What a ripoff.” #theonion
National News Highlights
“I urge my fellow Democrats to renounce Senator Franken’s unacceptable behavior in the absolute most plausible way,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, adding that he hadn’t ruled out taking steps to eventually look into the matter. “It’s imperative that we unequivocally go through the motions of rejecting any and all forms of sexual misconduct, and I’m confident that all Democrats will join me in denouncing the senator’s actions in the strongest believable terms.” #theonion
Roy Moore Disgusted By Thought Of Groping Breasts Of Sexually Mature Woman
According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will enable them to definitively prove that he doesn’t treat you right and that this relationship needs to end now because he’s all that’s holding you back from being happy. With the data evaluated, the bar table scientists told reporters that they could then offer recommendations for applying their research, including going on a date with Marc, who’s really great even if he’s a little awkward. #theonion
Christie's Auctioneer Throws In Sketch Of A Horse He Did To See If Anyone Bites
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
Al Franken Pledges To Make Up For Sexist Behavior Over Course Of Next Four Senate Terms
“There’s no way a kid with that humongous skull can’t do all kinds of crazy shit with his mind,” said neighbor Marcy Engel, adding she was nearly certain that the child could at any point enter her thoughts simply by concentrating so hard that the veins on his gigantic dome started pulsating. “Seriously, he could probably throw a car just by staring at it and lifting his chin or make your head explode just by putting his fingers up to the temples of that humongous thing.” #theonion