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The Onion

theonion

America's Finest News Source.

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Furloughed Bison Pour Back Into National Parks After Government Reopens
National News Highlights
Nonessential Government Employee Gets Back To Work
“I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that when women stand together, we can change the world,” wrote the woman who made your life a living hell for four years and once called you a skank in front of the entire cafeteria. “It’s now important more than ever for women to be great role models for every young girl. The progress we make today will change the lives of women for generations to come.” #theonion
ICE Agents Hurl Pregnant Immigrant Over Mexican Border To Prevent Birth On U.S. Soil
“Wow, there were so many women there,” said local mom Susan Krieps, recounting how she had scrolled through a slideshow one of her friends shared on Facebook containing photos of the march, which she explained occurred in a “bunch of different cities” and featured “some pretty famous speakers.” “It’s so nice to see all the ladies getting together like that for a good cause. The signs were great too. A lot of them were funny, but I have to say a few of them were a bit much.” #theonion
47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube
Did You Know?
“Our research shows that expressing a sentiment such as, ‘No one said marriage would be easy,’ is, in the vast majority of cases, an indicator that a bitter, acrimonious divorce is inevitable,” said lead researcher Grant Evelich, noting that, above all else, a marriage is most likely to fall apart after one partner insists with an air of authority that a healthy marriage is about making difficult sacrifices or learning to compromise with your spouse. “We also found that asserting, ‘No relationship is a walk in the park,’ or that, ‘There will always be rough patches,’ makes it three times as difficult to stay in your marriage. The figures suggest, furthermore, that anyone who states that their wedding vows require them to, ‘Stick together through the tough times,’ is, in fact, likely to be divorced within six months.” #theonion
“The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right into an outcropping of rocks,” said the Almighty, admitting that He was to blame for not wearing a life jacket and having “a few too many wine coolers.” “Well, next thing I know, I’m in eternal paradise, and I’ve been here ever since. It’s pretty cool, and there’s enough stuff going on that I hardly ever think about getting back on a speedboat.” #theonion
“That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a dependence on alcohol is when your car lurches onto the sidewalk, goes flying through the plate glass window of a pet store, and comes to a rest sticking halfway out of a shattered fish tank,” said lead researcher Brian Towsen, adding that most participants in the study first acknowledged they might have a drinking problem while watching gallons of water and aquarium rocks pour in through their car’s broken windshield. “In the majority of cases, subjects still remained unaware of their alcohol abuse even as they burst through the wooden exit arm of a parking garage at full speed and flipped their car on a concrete barricade—but by the time they were peeling sea urchins off of their shirts while floating in a 1,000-gallon saltwater habitat with angel fish circling their feet, almost 90 percent had made a decision to seek help.” #theonion
87% Of Eagles Home Crowd Listening To NFC Championship On Car Radio After Getting Thrown Out Of Stadium
Philadelphia Eagles Fan Praying His Car Reduced To Burnt-Out Shell Come Monday Morning
Blake Bortles Out To Prove He's Worth Franchise-Crippling Contract
“We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game seems close,” said Rob Gronkowski, who revealed the Patriots have been going pretty decently hard in practice all week while devoting whole minutes to watching game tape on the Jaguars defense. “It’s going to take nothing less than perfectly average execution to prevail today. Coach [Belichick] got us jacked up when he told us that if want to get past Jacksonville, he was going to need our B, or possibly B-minus game.” #theonion
“I can’t tell you how let down I feel by the heads of these households who did not simply give their wives and daughters a firm, decisive ‘no’ when they asked to participate in today’s demonstration,” said Vice President Mike Pence, noting with frustration that many of the protesters had been granted permission to travel across the country alone and stay for several days in a faraway city with no male chaperone whatsoever to guide and look after them. “There are a few men marching as well, so they must be the ones supervising this whole thing, and thank God for that. But I can’t help but feel that these ladies’ custodians—the ones who were supposed to be providing a masculine voice of reason on these sorts of matters—have really come up short today.” #theonion
12% Of Federal Government That's Currently Functioning To Shut Down
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National News Highlights
“Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience physical suffering, and, beyond that, seem to be such dirty little freaks that they get a kind of sexual high from being cooked alive,” said study co-author Dr. Adrianne Williams, adding that from the moment a lobster spots the pot of scalding water, researchers were able to detect a sort of irresistible carnal yearning in their beady eyestalks, practically begging for ever-higher temperatures to satisfy their depraved kinks. “In fact, we’ve discovered these marine deviants turn red when boiled, because they feel sexually humiliated to the point of climax and are craving more pain to push them over the edge. It turns out lobsters are some very fucked-up crustaceans.” #theonion

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